I brought over #3 Denius dog, Lottie, for a little play date with Tuna. At first we were all having a great time, rolling around on the floor and biting each other and spitting out fur and whatnot. Well, okay, mostly I watched, but it was still a pretty good time.
But then I noticed the “play” took an ugly turn, and that the dogs were occasionally getting on each other in a more amorous way, if you know what I mean. Now these are both female dogs, so naturally my first response was, “Lesbians”. What on earth was I allowing to go on under my roof? So I told them they had to stop it, but they just looked at me and wagged their tails, which I took to be defiance. I told them they had to do their funny business with male dogs only, but then I realized – there are no male dogs between the two households. So then I thought maybe they weren’t really lesbians, but they were just partaking of love of convenience, like female prisoners sometimes will. And, wouldn’t you know, there are some similarities between prisoners and dogs – they are usually confined, only interact with members of the same sex, get walked a couple times per day. So maybe the dogs were forced into homosexuality by circumstance, which wouldn’t be so bad, I suppose, but still wrong.
But THEN I couldn’t help but notice that Tuna is a small brown dog from Puerto Rico, and Lottie is a white dog from, I don’t know, Illinois, maybe. Actually, she is mostly white with a few tan spots, which is sort of like white people, since we might have brown hair, or tan in the summer, or have freckles, or whatnot. Anyway, the upshot is that not only were they engaging in homosexual love, they were also an interracial couple! Yes! Tuna is obviously Hispanic, and Lottie is a cracker! So I started thinking about what to do about that, since it’s sinful, though I’ve never read in the Bible that it’s sinful, but some people on TV say it is, so I suppose it must be true.
But THEN it occurred to me that Tuna is a rescue dog from Puerto Rico – in other words, a refugee! Now, I’m getting really worried by this point, as our governor, the Honorable Bruce Rauner (R), said that Illinois won’t be taking any refugees, because they might be baddies, and we’re afraid, and I’m sure he said a whole bunch of other stuff, but I sort of stopped listening around then. But refugees are bad, I got that point. So I’m thinking that maybe I have to hide Tuna or I might go to jail, or maybe I should turn her in for a refund, or something.
And THEN it occurred to me that when we got Tuna, she wouldn’t respond to English commands. As she was from Puerto Rico, I figured she must speak Spanish, or maybe dog-Spanish, if there is such a thing. Now that was a couple of years ago, but I thought maybe she still spoke some of that dog-Spanish, so I scolder her, saying, “This is America – English only!” See, we speak only English here because it’s the best language. I’m not sure why this is. I always thought the point of language was to communicate some idea, like, “hey, I found some edible roots over here”, or, “hey, there’s a leopard, looks like he’s about to jump on your back”, so you can do something sensible in response, like go get the roots or step to the side, and I’m pretty sure you can get these points across in other languages. But, someone on TV said English was the best, so I suppose it’s true.
So, I scolded Tuna for being in a lesbian interracial relationship as a dog-Spanish refugee. And she rolled over onto her back so I could rub her belly. She really likes belly rubs. And THEN I remembered that I’m a Bleedin’ Heart Liberal ®. So I gave Tuna and Lottie cookies. Good dogs!